At times, I question my strength and my ability to remain true to who I am and my purpose – it is a constant struggle to stay on course, not to mention a huge hurdle to even find the course. When my kids were small and needy it was so easy – just get up early each day and go to bed late each night and fill the time in between teaching them and being there for them. Now, they are grown and I have time, time to access my days and how I contribute. I don’t go many places or know many people and I plan to do even less of that so I think what I need to do is write and just put it out there, something I can do in the solitude of the early morning when I am just easing out of my alpha state and transitioning into the reality of the day. I have no qualifications other than just observing life for 57 years but if I have a thought, someone else probably has that thought too and maybe I will just be the one who puts it into words and maybe at least one other person will connect with it and feel something from it. I suppose this is what I can contribute.
As I said before, this blog was intended to be a place of pleasantries – positive things I noticed in my day. But as life would have it, it evolved into a place of random thoughts, a place where I go to shout out or sometimes just whisper – it is amorphous now but hopefully serves a purpose.
Anyway, that’s where I am today – more reassured about the things in life that really matter and because of the affirmation, more critical about whether I am doing something that really matters. It’s about the “purpose” proposal I mentioned just the other day. I feel productive when I write, I sit here and try to tap out words that have impact, words that make you stop a minute and think, like a bill board I guess – a bill board promoting life. Oh my, that sounds ego driven – it is not meant to be. I struggle to stay away from ego and write with pure purpose, write things to think about, things to ponder and possibly affirm what you already know but needed to see. Some days, like today, I sit here with no purpose, no preconception, just a need to write and hopefully, with the last punctuation, I have said something and the sketches of my day have helped you with yours in a tiny way.
just some random visuals to go with this random post – perhaps they will provoke a pleasant thought…
The second day of the year is already here – life doesn’t wait for us does it? I have so much whirling around in my mind right now – no resolutions just sketches of footpaths and affirmations of where I am and what I am doing. There’s something about the fresh scrubbed beginning of the new year that rejuvenates us – I can take it a step further and celebrate each new day and I hope to this year. I have just recently written an “artist bio” for a show I have been asked to be in (yay!!) and it was a great exercise for me – it made me sort through some things and in the end, it made me feel good about my art. I suppose there is some merit to writing things down – it becomes a visual of your fabric and it helps to “see” who you are. I also found an old journal from college last night – it “randomly” fell to the floor in my little office while I was gathering tax stuff. I shared some of it with my twins – it was fun and connecting – their mom at their age. I read two entries about two of the paintings hanging on my wall – telling me when they were completed and how I felt about them – so wonderful to recapture. Ahhh, the written word – where will it be, is it a thing of the past? Anyway, enough about nothing, I need to get busy and capture this moment before it ends up in a journal.
Sept. 26, 1974…”I finished the painting of the two Malboro men for my dad today…”
I have I a new laptop – this one is just for me and I plan to tote it around and, hopefully, catch most of my thoughts that travel through my head each day and exit each evening – never making it to fruition. Someone. someone very young, on our faculty died unexpectedly this week and I, once again, understand how temporary and sudden life is.I have taken a long time to unload baggage that is surplus and societal . I continue to do so hoping to get to my core soon. It is so freeing to let so many unnecessary worldly things drop and walk away from. I find myself putting value only in intangibles – imagine the free space that gives me! I wrestle with anxious emotions still but I am working on that – more faith is needed here. Anyway, writing my thoughts down in syntax, caring for my family, planting potatoes, preparing healthy food and a twenty minute nap in a room with an open window is what I hope this day brings for me.