And still another day before me…it’s mine to do with whatever I choose. I had a terrifying experience yesterday so today seems all the more glorious. I am a bit of a hypochondriac – I’ll admit to this – especially when it comes to my kids – but I had noticed a suspicious mole on my back recently (I am the generation of baby oil and iodine tanning) and it had started to itch. Well, of course I “goggled” it and wouldn’t you know –an itchy mole can be a symptom of melanoma. Anyway, I had about buried myself by noon. My doctor worked me in at 2 and said not to worry (although I do now have recommendation to see a dermatologist for a checkup). Those few hours were so dark for me. I have no fear of death, at least I don’t think I do,( I am certain there is something wonderful on the otherside) but I have unbearable sadness when I think of leaving Elizabeth before she is grown, before she has her own life. I thought of my boys and how badly I want to know where their lives are taking them– they, the 5 of them, are what make my mortality so objectionable.
I know I am being overdramatic but that’s the nature of me – oversensitive and a bit too imaginative at times. So, I am here on this bright sunshiny day once again and I am even more aware of my life and pledge to take even better care of my health. My doctor recommended I read “the Paleo Diet” – I have it on order – a diet based on pre agricultural eating habits – hunting and gathering sort of stuff. I know I cannot be orthodox about it, but I will absorb and implement some of it.
Speaking of food, I have done a few things I wished I’d done differently with my children, as all mothers have, but I have done three things I am really happy about – they all have an awareness and appreciation of the arts, whole foods, and spirit. For me, that is so important – three essentials in life – art, food, and goodness. I am very thankful – the rest is lagniappe.
As I reread for grammar check, I hope I am not sounding like I am bragging about my children and my life – I hope I have the ability to project happiness and thankfulness, not arrogance and vanity, within the confines of this entry – for those qualities are distasteful to me. My life is “my life” made especially for me and I am thankful and I know it is not some random scattering from the universe – it is all in alignment, just as it should be. I am so thankful to have yet another day to explore and to celebrate this gift that expires in 24 hours.
Not very productive today on the keyboard. I have a column due tomorrow at 4 and it is taking all I have just to piece that together. I am in some sort of creative void presently and my raw thoughts are not so positive so I choose not to post anything. I will spend some time doing something physical – like cleaning out something, there’s plenty of that to do here – and maybe I can shake this temper that I find myself in. Art is about being ultrasensitive, you have to be, but when it turns on you, it is paralyzing. I will find my way back; nothing is really “wrong”, it’s just that I need to adjust my attitude.
You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.
This is sorta a “re – entry” – an abridged version of something I posted a couple of years ago – I thought it was worth posting again.
I think one of the most difficult things to do in life is to not compare yourself to others, not to measure yourself by the progress or regression of other people – especially those fictitious characters you see on the TV screen. I am writing this in specific reference to art and the challenge to be original, but it is a generic application. We all have uniqueness, but sometimes we get caught up in the propaganda of this high tech, consumer driven society. I think of people like Beatrice Potter and Vincent van Gogh who lived in isolation by today’s standards and the work they produced and the people they were – totally unique. I wonder how dishonest their art would have been had they lived now amongst all the pressure and illusion of what is real. We must look inside and discover ourselves and it is so difficult with all of the intrusions. A place, a physical place is what I think works best at finding the internal place, that place that is the authentic “you”.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
e.e. cummings, 1955
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.