I am so fickle when it comes to this blog – some days, like this day, I want to release it. But then, I don’t because there are the other days when I need it. It is a space for me to say what I don’t say, to say what I don’t paint, to say what I can’t dismiss. That sounds a bit egotistical, any form of artistic expression could “seem” that way (and some of it is – the “some” being the ones who do things for attention and are propelled solely by monetary gain- but mostly art is something inside that needs to find a space outside and it is, actually, the opposite of ego – it’s spiritual and humble. Anyway, on this day in the middle of the week in the middle of summer I am asking myself questions, questions about my art. These questions could apply to any internal struggle, but for me, it’s about art. I am thinking that writing is stealing time I should be painting. The canvases, boards, and ideas are stacked in my studio – neglected and threatening. I know that these blog entries seem somewhat trite and simple but they aren’t for me – they rattle around in my head and take up time and space and when they finally do materialize in the form of “sketches” I then reread and question how honest I have been and push myself to reveal more – it gets complicated and it is a drain sometimes instead of the Zen like place I intended it to be – a place where only positive words appeared and optimism proliferated. Well, that kind of went by the wayside, as they say, and life nudged me into writing crusty words like these. As in literature, there always exists external and internal conflicts to keep things interesting and this blog has found its way on the firing range of my life – in the middle of a skirmish.As I said, I am not driven by ego nor do I have an external motive – I just have always done art and it is something I must do – I know you can identify with this – this “thing” inside that you must do. For some, it may be travel or sorting and organizing or it may be cooking or devoting yourself to a cause, but “it” is there in all of us and it can create a struggle because the “noise” or should I say, the “music”, never stops.
In the meantime, and in an attempt to go back to the beginning, I am posting a picture that I took this morning that symbolizes the exact reason I wrote the first word on May 4 of 2008. I looked out of my window and amongst the tropical sized weeds and the endless rains , I saw beauty and that is why , 4 years ago, I came to this computer and recorded those feelings – this blog kept me in a nearly constant state of appreciation of the little things that are, indeed, the beautiful things.
“It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all”
At times, I question my strength and my ability to remain true to who I am and my purpose – it is a constant struggle to stay on course, not to mention a huge hurdle to even find the course. When my kids were small and needy it was so easy – just get up early each day and go to bed late each night and fill the time in between teaching them and being there for them. Now, they are grown and I have time, time to access my days and how I contribute. I don’t go many places or know many people and I plan to do even less of that so I think what I need to do is write and just put it out there, something I can do in the solitude of the early morning when I am just easing out of my alpha state and transitioning into the reality of the day. I have no qualifications other than just observing life for 57 years but if I have a thought, someone else probably has that thought too and maybe I will just be the one who puts it into words and maybe at least one other person will connect with it and feel something from it. I suppose this is what I can contribute.
As I said before, this blog was intended to be a place of pleasantries – positive things I noticed in my day. But as life would have it, it evolved into a place of random thoughts, a place where I go to shout out or sometimes just whisper – it is amorphous now but hopefully serves a purpose.
Anyway, that’s where I am today – more reassured about the things in life that really matter and because of the affirmation, more critical about whether I am doing something that really matters. It’s about the “purpose” proposal I mentioned just the other day. I feel productive when I write, I sit here and try to tap out words that have impact, words that make you stop a minute and think, like a bill board I guess – a bill board promoting life. Oh my, that sounds ego driven – it is not meant to be. I struggle to stay away from ego and write with pure purpose, write things to think about, things to ponder and possibly affirm what you already know but needed to see. Some days, like today, I sit here with no purpose, no preconception, just a need to write and hopefully, with the last punctuation, I have said something and the sketches of my day have helped you with yours in a tiny way.
just some random visuals to go with this random post – perhaps they will provoke a pleasant thought…
It is late and the week end was too full, but I wanted to begin again with this addiction, this therapy, this creative release I have acquired. I have missed coming here to my little space I share with whomever. I have missed bundling up my thoughts and putting them into words that may (or not) cause a stir within someone and certainly causes me to ponder and to think of things in a deeper way. Anyway, I will write more later. Excuse the mess that is the blog. I am having to learn how this site works and I am afraid I am not too articulate in technology. I have copied all of my old post and archived them just to have, for me to have, because they are the bread crumbs of my life for nearly 3 years.