Just had an awkward and not so great “conversation” with a son. Nothing is “the matter”, just the same sentences don’t really work anymore – I need to keep more on the surface with these “big boys”. That’s really difficult for me because I am fed by human feelings and intrigued with the whole scheme of things – inspired really. There is nothing I care for on the surface – wasted time, that’s why I don’t socialize – its bs, wasted time for me – I like the underneath stuff – the earthy, realities that only light of day reveal. But, I need to become a skimmer – gliding on the surface like an android. This parenting thing is getting more difficult instead of easier – when the hell does life get easier? Does it? When they were little it was just a series of hugs and commands and all was well. Now, I am looking for the perimeters and why am I still thinking about you so much? Where is the definition of “parent of adult child” – where is that darn manual??? Deep breath, cup of hot coffee, and this laptop…feeling better.
“Art is a way to express yourself and through that you can escape a bad situation”.
My encounter wasn’t “bad”, just “bristly”. Sorry about the negative energy but hard as I try, life happens. The forces of the universe just grab me sometimes but when things settle down and I catch myself I always realize how they are not random forces but catalysts to move me forward in this place I live. If things were always smooth things would always stay the same – no movement, no change – ; like stagnate water looking okay on the surface but underneath everything is dying. Well, bring it on – passivity is anemic and doesn’t navigate my life, doesn’t make it happen. Okay enough of the riddles. I will conclude with, I am so thankful for my art and I know it has gingerly taken me where I need to go – I feel better (til next time).
Moved my writing desk for the summer, maybe forever – this is my view now.
The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. First we must commit.
You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.
This is sorta a “re – entry” – an abridged version of something I posted a couple of years ago – I thought it was worth posting again.
I think one of the most difficult things to do in life is to not compare yourself to others, not to measure yourself by the progress or regression of other people – especially those fictitious characters you see on the TV screen. I am writing this in specific reference to art and the challenge to be original, but it is a generic application. We all have uniqueness, but sometimes we get caught up in the propaganda of this high tech, consumer driven society. I think of people like Beatrice Potter and Vincent van Gogh who lived in isolation by today’s standards and the work they produced and the people they were – totally unique. I wonder how dishonest their art would have been had they lived now amongst all the pressure and illusion of what is real. We must look inside and discover ourselves and it is so difficult with all of the intrusions. A place, a physical place is what I think works best at finding the internal place, that place that is the authentic “you”.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
e.e. cummings, 1955
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
A paradox exists in my life – I am so grateful that all of my family is well – I do not take this for granted for one second and I place it in the highest regard – nothing is valued more than the wellbeing of my family but I fall short on the day to day, the anticipation of the new day and the small delights that can but won’t be discovered. A little bird outside of my window wakes me up nearly every morning and reminds me that I won’t be in touch with nature this day. I thought last night how I don’t even know what phase the moon is currently in. I will walk past my easel again this morning and the canvas there will remain blank and these few words I type now will be the extent of my musings for the day. And the garden will not be tended and the pages of a book will not be turned. As I said, it is all paradoxical – working for money or insurance to maintain a lifestyle that takes me away from my life?
“Create affirmations with these basic ingredients: They’re personal, positive, in present tense, visual and emotional. Then, each day, visualize the realization of these affirmations. You’ll find that your behavior and circumstances will change for the better”. Stephen Covey